WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING

 

Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.

"Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"

 

The queen of England and the Pope were seated side by side on the platform at an event. After speaking together the subject of the innate powers of their respective offices came up. "Isn't it curious that with a wave of my hand I can bring this crowd to its feet ,cheering, "said her majesty. "quite to the contrary," said the Pope, I can with a nod of my head cause every Irishman in the world to rise to his feet cheering.  “My dear man I would like to see that ,"said the Queen. With that the Pope head butted her!

 

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.  The young couple sat in  the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance  of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more.  Standing at the  top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here  all hours of the night?"  "Why, Dad, " said Frances,  "Michael was just  telling me everything that's in his heart!"  "Well, next time, "  roared  Phelan,  "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take  half as long!"

 

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions.  No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins  to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya  want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the  doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.  "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be  praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a  minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next  child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."  "Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey,  Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor  holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you  think it's the light that's attracting them?" 

IRISH QUOTE OF THE MONTH

During the time of the Penal Laws, the town of Bandon in Co. Cork had a sign which said: Enter here, Turk, Jew or atheist, any man except a Papist. Underneath those lines, some Irishman, fighting back with the only two things left that could not be stripped from him - his wit and his dignity - wrote: "The man who wrote this wrote it well, for the same is writ on the gates of Hell."